To The Editor:

I have a love-hate relationship with the cellular “cell” phone.

Martin Cooper came up with the first cellphone back in 1973. Don Johnson, of “Miami Vice” fame made them cool. These first phones were literally as big as a brick and just about as heavy.

Myself, I kinda liked the phone brick. Not everyone had one. Times were better then. Now, everyone has a cell phone, and they bear next to no similarity to the monstrosity Don Johnson carried.

Myself, I am an oddball. All I want to do is talk on a phone. I don’t want to text, find out where I am, video conference, or play Angry Birds. I just want a small little gadget that fits discreetly in my front pocket and I don’t have to charge every six hours. I don’t see them making a fashion statement.

And if I were the lord of cellphones, I would have a secret button I could push when someone violates my code of cellphone conduct.

Obnoxious ring tones —zap! Most of them give me a migraine. I like my phone to go “ring ring.” Good luck finding that ring tone.

And texting . . . I will never get that one. No one talks anymore. We text. I was at a local restaurant the other day and a family of five was busily pecking away at their cool phones like a family of woodpeckers. “h2cus hak” Translation: hope to see you soon hugs and kisses. I felt like saying to them to put down the phones and just communicate the old-fashioned way. Guess I am old school. OMG.

And if you text and drive, what are you thinking? Another big zap! I am tired of waiting for you to finish your text as the green light cycles through to another red or you weave down the road between keystrokes. Knuckleheads! Zap!

And a news flash: Cellphones have amplifiers. That means you don’t have to yell when you use them. I don’t want to hear about your intimate details or the color of your baby’s stool! And if you are at a restaurant, please resist the temptation to take that call. Most phones have voice mails or you can even try the unheard of: standing up, walk outside, then make your terribly important call. I am not impressed with whatever you feel compelled to yap about as I enjoy my dinner . . . Geez! Zap, zap, zap!

I also don’t get the iPhone. It is big, bulky, hard to type on, hard to see and just looks like Maxwell Smart talking into a shoe. My wife has one, so I guess I am now in the hundehütte, as she would say, which is German for hound hut. Maybe this is a good place to stop.