Keeping Up With Jones - The Missourian: Columns

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Keeping Up With Jones

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Posted: Wednesday, December 4, 2013 9:49 am

Amazon.com is planning to ship items to customers with unmanned aerial drones, which begs the question, how much do you tip an unmanned drone?

When I first read about this I thought it was a joke, or a thought provoking piece in the Onion. 

But this is real.I doubt we would see this service anytime soon in this area, but it could be coming soon to larger metro areas.

I can see so many problems coming from this. Will these flying robot delivery “guys” be allowed in Missouri airspace due to the state law that bans many unmanned drones.

Will these drones kill Americans on U.S. soil, or simply drop off shoes and purses.What about trees and birds? 

Will firemen be called to save an unmanned drone stuck in a tree? Are there going to be environmental groups stepping up because the buzz sound made by unmanned drones is too similar to the mating call of the endangered Bachman’s sparrow?

I would imagine that weather could be an issue. 

The drones likely wouldn’t fly in a thunderstorm, and maybe not even in the rain. Very few people would be going to Amazon for last-minute umbrella or rain gear purchases.There will be weight restrictions. The drones will only ship items that are 5 pounds or lighter. 

So no toaster ovens, TVs, vacuums or refrigerators.I am very curious as to how high these drones will fly. It would have to be higher than a telephone wire, but low enough to fly below a liar, liar’s pants on fire.I can only imagine the emotional duress these drones cause with dogs. The postman is the natural enemy to dogs.

While delivering mail, postal workers are nothing but targets for dogs, even if on the side they are animal lovers. It might be the uniform, or the action of delivering packages. 

Either way, it has become part of the dog’s DNA that they chase postal workers.Dogs would go ballistic if packages fly through the air, no blue coat and patch, and are delivered to doorsteps. 

That’s 50 percent of the day that dogs will have to find something else to occupy their time. According to a report I read on the Internet (it was on the Internet, so it is 100 percent accurate) ideally, it will take 30 minutes for the drones will ship to homes within 10 miles of a “fulfillment center.”

That’s quicker than a pizza. Could these drones be programed to pick up a giant New York-style pizza while en route delivering a New York Times best-seller to my doorstep?

Just think, whenever you hear those words, “I have nothing to wear,” you will know that there is relief within 30 minutes. 

Instead of some people taking three hours to get ready, they will be ready in 3 1/2 hours.This completely ruins my theory that someday every home will have giant pneumatic tubes — like at a bank drive through — that will be linked to every store. 

Everything will be delivered by a vacuum, which would one day bankrupt the automobile industry. I’ve never actually ordered anything from Amazon, but if these drones start delivering where I live, you can bet I’ll order often — just so I can say, “It’s a bird. . . It’s a plane. . . It’s my Justin Bieber Chia Pet (Yes, that’s a real thing).

/opinion/columns