Keeping Up With Jones - The Missourian: Opinion

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Keeping Up With Jones

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Posted: Wednesday, February 13, 2013 11:15 am | Updated: 9:12 pm, Sat Jun 22, 2013.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and what better way to say, “I love you,” than with a box of chocolates — delicious, acne causing, chocolate filled with saturated fats.

What message are we really trying to send with gifts of sweets?

“I think you are great, so here is a box of nougat and creme-filled treats so you get fat and there is more of you to love.”

It seems odd that people show affection and get their loved one a step closer to adult-onset diabetes.

If we really loved someone, on Valentine’s Day we would buy them an apple, or get crazy and spring for a pineapple.

Instead of promoting unhealthy eating, we can say, “Eat this and you won’t have to go to the doctor today.”

Some people are tricky and buy strawberries dipped in chocolate. You aren’t fooling anybody.

One might think that the fruit and chocolate cancel each other out in some kind of sweet yin and yang bite, but we can’t be so lucky. That is the same premise as ordering a Big Mac and large fries, but with a diet coke and a side salad.

Valentine’s Day boxes of mixed chocolates seem like a nice gesture, but really are quite cruel. What is the stuff inside most of those candies anyway?

I think the message with a gift of chocolates is, “You mean the world to me. Here is a box of 30 chocolates. You will like three of them and the rest will have some weird orange or raspberry creme in it.”

Sure there are some people who like the fruit creme chocolates, but do they really like it during flu season after someone pokes their finger in it? A couple of hours after the box is opened there are a handful of chocolates left, but they all look like they had been in a drunken brawl while the box lid was closed.

Let’s be real, the toffee, peanut butter and nut chocolates are the only decent ones in the bunch. The jury is still out on the coconut pieces.

Another popular Valentine’s Day treat is the candy hearts with writings on them.

I get that it’s cute to have the sayings on them, but the candy is lacking in taste. It is as if it was made by grinding up chalk, adding sugar and food coloring and shaping the little candies into hearts. I would rather eat a piece of cardboard that has “I love you” written on it than those candies.

The truly challenging Valentine’s Day sweets are the Reese’s heart-shaped peanut butter cups. Reese’s, why do you do this to me?

Back in the day there was just the Reese’s Easter eggs. Then came the Christmas trees filled with scrumptious peanut butter. Reese’s has since branched out to Valentine’s Day hearts and Halloween pumpkins.

Reese’s peanut butter in any shape is my vice. It is hard enough to not gain 10 pounds during Easter, but these flashy holiday-themed chocolatey peanut butter bites are a feature each holiday season.

One day I am sure we will see Reese’s candies shaped like Abraham Lincoln on Feb. 12, or like the American flag June 14.

If I am given a Reese’s heart on Valentine’s Day, then I know that I am truly loved. . . or am I? The gift giver could be trying to send me to an early grave. Or worse yet, fattening me up to put me in the oven.

/opinion

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