Keeping Up With Jones - The Missourian: Local News

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Keeping Up With Jones

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Posted: Wednesday, December 11, 2013 11:00 am

I wonder why people look so forward to Christmas when it makes many of us pull our hair out.December is a crazy month, with a laundry list of things to do before Christmas strikes.’

Tis the season to deck the halls, and living room, kitchen and bedroom (why not the bathroom too?) with reds and greens, snowmen and even some Christmas penguins.

We opted out of purchasing boughs of holly this year because, come on, that’s a fire hazard, and my wife got a little upset when I said I was bringing “Holly” home. 

This year, Jami was the decorator in chief of our home — both inside and out.A few weeks prior to the Jones household light display, I developed a back pain. It slowly got worse over the next two weeks until I was barely able to walk. So, of course, I waited a couple more days until the pain became more excruciating before taking action.

The pain, which began to shoot down my leg, was a sciatica, which is the closest I will get to feeling the pains of childbirth. Seriously, it was bad.

I hobbled around and grumbled, only able to walk or stand for a minute at a time, as my wife hung the stockings with care and everything else that decorating entails. 

Even though I didn’t actually decorate for Christmas, it was still a pain in the, um, rear. 

We don’t go above and beyond when it comes to outdoor lights. 

There is no dancing display that flashes on and off to music, and we don’t have anything inflatable.There are a few lighted deer, some garlands and those little lights that look like icicles. 

We also have a blue net designed to cover a bush, which makes no sense to me, because the bush is firmly attached to the ground with its roots. It’s those deer that have a better chance of getting away. Maybe next year we’ll throw the net over them just to make sure they stay put.Once the trees have been trimmed and the mistletoe has been hung, there is shopping to do. 

Gift buying by itself is enough to make someone age a year during the one-week shopping season. Yeah, I know that I could start shopping earlier than Dec. 18, but I am not much of a planner.

Luckily, my wife does think ahead and has already taken care of most of the shopping for our families. Most of the gifts she picked up on Black Friday, which has freed up plenty of her time so she can ask me when I’ll start shopping.I usually save all of my shopping for one anxiety-filled, adrenalin-fueled spree just days before Christmas. 

Shortly afterward is a mad scramble to wrap presents.I’m not a crafty type of person, add haste to that, and the presents look like they were wrapped by an alcoholic badger in detox. And after my day of being jostled, bumped and accosted at an overcrowded mall, I feel like I should belly up with the badger.

/local_news

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