Keeping Up With Jones

And I have been completely wrong each time.

I have realized that my role in the wedding planning is to reassure my fiancee, Jami, that each and every decision she is making is the best possible decision, and exactly what I want too.

It’s not like I have been planning this day in my head since I was a small boy.

Of course I am joking. Jami, and her mother, are doing an amazing job planning this shindig and I do not feel obligated to say that.

There are a few things that I have learned during this process. Most importantly, I learned that saying “Yes, dear,” and “Whatever you want” is recommended.

I also learned that saying either of those two phrases too much could appear as if I don’t care.

What I didn’t expect to find out is while tuxedo shopping is that lime, kiwi, light green, melon and apple all are colors of green that look exactly the same to most men, yet are distinctly different to the female eye.

There is one task that I will be heavily involved in: drafting the list of songs that won’t be played.

While I was in college I worked at a restaurant and banquet hall that hosted many wedding receptions. I worked there for about four years and I have heard the song “Celebration” by Kool and the Gang nearly 7,000 times.

That is why that song won’t be played at the wedding. If I even hear it as the ringtone on a guest’s phone, then they will be escorted out.

I think the list of songs that I don’t want played will be longer than the list of songs that I do want played.

I remember countless weddings in which the song “We Are Family” by Sister Sledge comes over the loud speaker and out come the ladies to the dance floor.

The line in the song, “We are family. I got all my sisters with me” is like the siren song for drunk female sibling and sorority sisters.

Because of the vivid memories of drunk sorority sisters singing out of key at the top of their lungs to “Get up ev’rybody and sing” that song is banned from the reception.

Other songs that are wedding reception mainstays that we don’t want to hear include “Baby Got Back,” “Brick House” and the “Hokey Pokey.”

I seriously loathe the Sir Mix-A-Lot ode to large behinds. Although it is such a classy song, it won’t be heard following our wedding. Even if our guests “like ’em round, and big.”

There will be no “Macarena,” “Cha Cha Slide,” “Electric Slide,” or anything else with “slide” in it.

I actually would prefer that there be no line dancing at all, or any dancing that requires a group of people to face the same direction and do the exact same moves, such as clapping their hands really fast.

All of these requests are subject to change. Since I am not the ultimate authority in the wedding planning, if Jami wants everyone to put their right foot in and shake it all about, then I guess that’s what we’ll do.

After all, that’s what it’s all about.